Often times when I’m out on my longer runs I witness seemingly happy families and couples–old and young. They’re in the parks celebrating, playing, walking and enjoying life together. Early on in my running journey this used to gnaw at … Continue reading
Biggest and most challenging project I’ll likely ever take on–myself. *SIGH* Don’t get me wrong, that’s not a bad sigh nor is that a complaint. I’m a worthy project to spend that kind of time and effort on. Easy is … Continue reading
What’s a “meaningful maintenance rant”? Good question–begin rant here.
Maintaining my “healthy weight” has been just as big as a challenge as shedding the original 170lbs! NO JOKE. It’s easy to slip into the mindset of “I got this…I know what I’m doing…I’m FIXED…” and they go on. TRUTH is, none of that is accurate or appropriate! Maintenance is hard. That’s probably why the percent of people who reach their goal weight and maintain it long term is lower than 5%. CRAZY right??? We see these success stories all the time in media, on reality shows, and social media posts! I know, I got caught as one myself. But in doing that I started to lose focus on myself and my own well being. Please don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining about “not being fat” anymore. Truth be told, a part of my mind still thinks/sees me as that 345+ lbs girl.
Tonight I did something I hadn’t done in a long time until this year. Stress, lack of sleep, burn out, etc. got the best of me and I at anything that was edible and not nailed down. Didn’t really like (or have) much at my house so I went over to my parents house to eat there. I was tracking in the beginning of my day, even knowing that I was going to go well over my WeightWatchers daily PointsPlus target for the day. But when I left my house, it was all bets off. I ate to until the point where my head hurt, hurt to the point were it felt like the roots of my hair were being pulled out of my head. Like my hair had 5lb weight attached to each strand. It was pounding, my eye sockets felt swollen. My mouth was dry and the taste in it was less than appetizing. My throat even felt raw like I was getting a sore throat. My ears felt like I was getting an ear infection and at one point I had a weird back feed like sound echoing in them. Note, we’re still on just my head. I wanted to take a pill for it but stopped myself. Why? Because I realized I wanted the pill for the same reason I wanted the food. I wanted to stop feeling the pain.
Shall we go on? My chest felt heavy. My belly felt bloated and the more I ate the more it felt like I had a big balloon in there filling up with helium gas. I think i could feel my stomach getting so full with food that it was pushing my other organs out of the way and up to high parts inside my rib cage. I felt tight and I was wearing yoga like pants…those “give” a lot and so the fact that I felt constricted in them is beyond a bad sign. All this extra food weight made my legs feel like they couldn’t support the rest of my body. My knees started to ache already like I’d instantly added 10lbs.
At one point I felt like if I could just stick my finger—NOPE! Stop. That thought was just as bad/hurtful as the idea of me eating to make my feelings go away. Both just as damaging even at opposite ends of the spectrum. I turned to my 48oz water bottle and started sipping away. Something had to help me end this slippery slope! It all felt like an instant hangover. Which with the drinking bouts I had in my younger days, I swore I’d never drink to that point again because of how miserable that feels.
I share this graphic thought process because I know I’m not alone out there in doing this. I know because others are just as honest as I am about the struggle to be healthy. This is not just about calories in versus calories out. This goes much deeper. I knew when I had satisfied my food as fuel need. I went on for hours more of intermittent eating though. I woke up tired, not wanting to get up out of bed this morning–not sure why. I never made my bed (which is unusual for me) and to top it off, I walked less steps today than I did yesterday (and even if you added up both days, I still wouldn’t total up to 10K steps).
It’s 10pm PT now and I haven’t put food in my mouth for about two hours. I’ve showered. I’ ve continued to sip my water and my headache has reduced to a minor/dull ache. I tracked (what I could remember) what I ate and pre-tracked for Saturday. I’ve already declared it a new day and fresh start. What bothered me so much that I did this? Good question. Still haven’t answered that. But i’ll get there. Maybe a look into my “burn book” (more on that in my next post) will clue me in on what is “weighing me down.”
From one food addict to one who hasn’t realized they are one….
Food isn’t the answer. You first have to know the question you are asking in order to find your answer. STOP, PAUSE, REFLECT, ASK…be mindful to what is going on in you, around you, about you…you have the answer…the answer is in your heart. So now I say good night. I’m disconnecting for now to do that for myself.
Thank you and in good health,
How about an update to this crazy no sugar thing I committed myself to?!
There’s a foggy haze that’s been lifted and I feel like I have something substantial to actually write about. So during this “sugar detox” I’ve found some spiritual clarifty and practices. I’ve gotten back to and better at meditating, I actually went out and tried hot yoga (thanks to my WeightWatchers friend Lula and my BFF Katie for the nudge), and I realized just how foggy I’d been operatering these last few months.
During my rebirth of my meditation practice, I came across this excerpt and felt the need to share.
The Final Obstacle Is Us
Then why do we still battle the lingering doubts and prejudices in our own minds that convince us we are not worthy—not good enough, not strong enough, not talented enough, not brave enough?
Why are we holding ourselves back from greatness?
It’s from a Deepak Chopra daily reflection that I did a while back. In cleaning out my inbox (yes, I do stuff like that) I came across it again and re-read it. This speaks so much truth to me. This whole process is really revealing how much I’ve been holding myself back. I don’t sit here wallowing in regret about it, on the contrary! I’m actually grateful for my new found clarity! I didn’t know I was walking around in a fog. I didn’t realize how much I’d been missing out on by being in that state of being. I was more like a zombie then human. I’d wake up, eat, work some, eat, want to nap (sometimes did), work a bit more, eat, and then sleep again. It sounds depressing just reading that as I type it out! To have a day like that, not a big deal in my book. But to have every day like that, is NOT good! But I wasn’t aware enough to realize that that is what I was doing.
It’s no wondering I wasn’t happy with myself. It’s no wonder I put on 15 lbs over my goal weight–note that’s over my goal weight, that’s not based on the lowest I got down to. Yes, I’m human and until I become superhuman or really accept and deal with my faults I’ll always fight this battle. But with where I’m at now I feel like I’m in a place where I can do that. Accepting you’re imperfections is easier said then done. Actually, it’s almost as challenging to admit my imperfections–step one I guess.
We all “know” we aren’t perfection but who actually talks about it? And why is it so hard to talk about anyways. I just saw in the news how we are creating narciscistic kids but what about ourselves. We start a petition because we don’t think it’s ok that Facebook has an emoji that allows someone to admit that they are feeling fat? Why? Who cares if that’s how they feel? I feel fat sometimes–usually it’s when I’ve over indulged on food. No we are being censored on admitting our feelings? And the other thing…with this recent “International Womens Day” (do guys even get a day?) when did this start and why? It’s like the feminist’s (uh oh, I’m going on a rant and I’m sure I’m going to get comments/emails about this but too bad it’s my blog I can say what I want) own Valentine’s Day! Why do we need ONE day to celebrate ourselves as women? Why do we need one day to “come together” and celebrate the amazing women in this world? Why isn’t that happening every day? Oh I know, because the other 364 days a year we are sitting in front of our screens and judging each other. I’ve seen “plus sized” models go through fat shaming and celebration all in the same day. I’ve seen thin women get praised for eating indulgently in public and shamed in the same day. I’ve seen a self empowered corporate excecutive female get praised and criticized all in the same day for being a career minded female who also wants to be a mom. What are we doing to each other? Are we so unhappy with ourselves that we have to bring down each other too? This does go back to my original point about admiting and accepting our own imperfections. In today’s society you can’t be too thin or too fat because there’s going to be a group that comes together and bashes you for it. BE YOU! WORRY ABOUT YOU! I don’t mean that in a selfish, self centered way but in a Michael Jackson “take a look in the mirror” way.
We are holding ourselves back and each other by living the way we are. Let a kid get a gift they didn’t ask for on a list so they learn humility and gratitude. Let a student fail at a problem so they can learn how to get it right on their own. Let a baby fall while learning to walk so they learn how to get back up and try again. Let a woman, man, girl, boy, etc. learn to pave their own path so that they may reap the reward for achieving their goal. There’s always a reaction for every action we take–they may be unintended but it’s going to happen none the less. What’s the better option–“Bandaid” the problem or find a solution? I prefer the solution, personally!
So that’s why I’m sitting here in bed (at 915pm PT) and I’m ok with that. Label me the old lady who’s in bed before some kids are. I don’t care. I know that I need sleep in order to function well and with this jump ahead an hour, “performing well” isn’t where I’m at yet. I know I’m a littler bitter that I don’t wake up at 6am to daylight anymore because of daylight savins. But the whole government isn’t going to change that just to please me–nor they should! Plus, I’ll adjust and get there. I’ll be happy when the weather starts to warm and I can go for an evening run after work outside because it’s brighter later now. I’m just a little immature about it at the moment–I’ll get over–I learned that lesson young too and I’m better for it!
So what’s this rant (yep, I’ll admit that) have to do with inner reflection, imperfection, and appreciation? We are all individuals part of a greater piece/system. My place in this world effects others who come in contact with me–physically or socially. I know that if I’m not offering my best self through taking care of myself first, i’m weakening the system as a whole. So yes, some times I just suck it up and get up and do what I have to because the world isn’t going to stop revolving if I don’t want to get out of bed. Plus, being in that state isn’t going to make me feel any better. Getting up is hard sometimes, but it’s for the best in the long run.
I’m seeing clearly now that taking care of myself–first and foremost–allows the system as a whole to be better. It allows me to offer my best self to those I love and care for. I’m not an immortal superhero who can do everything, all the time, forever. I’m perfectly imperfection me. What I can’t do well, someone else can and I’m good to delegate to them. I was put on this earth for a reason and I’ll work at vocation versus trying to fulfill other’s!
Be ok and accepting of who you are and why you are who you are. Accept your imperfections as openly as you accept your assets–they all make up who you entirely are anyways. I’ll share this one last bit with you. Someone in my WeightWatchers meeting this week said something so simple and yet so profound. She was going on a cruise and worried about making the healthy choices with the all you can eat options. A friend told her to just enjoy herself AND (this is the part I love) to let enough be enough!
I’ve been very aware–for whatever reason–this week when I’ve wanted to turn to someone, anyone, else for support and guidance this week. From the smallest thing of “where/what do you want to eat…” to “…guess what just happened…what do you … Continue reading
“Whether you’ve seen angels floating around your bedroom or just found a ray of hope at a lonely moment, choosing to believe that something unseen is caring for you can be a life-shifting exercise.” ~Martha Beck I’ve been reading a … Continue reading
I can’t help it…the holiday season reminds me of my Mom and those remind me that she’s no longer physically here. This often saddens me when I’m reminded. I’ve embraced this, really I have, I know it’s part of my “new normal” of living the rest of my life without her here. There will be no walking me down the aisle when I get married, no holding my first born, etc. I didn’t think about these things initially after her passing. I’ve embraced this and the fact that even for the silliest of sad movie moments I’ll tear up like she used to–I used to make fun of her for this!
The point here is that life goes on and if I keep myself open to moving on, I will. I’ll never forget her, but I will always be open to how to continue to live my life to the best of my ability without her physically here….evening during the harder times. To do so, I’ve found that embracing the facts is part of the process. Facts like she’s physically gone and there’s no bringing her back in that sense and the emotions that ensue. There’s nothing wrong with being sad but for some reason many (including my past self) thought this to be a shameful or unacceptable reaction. Don’t get my wrong, I don’t “enjoying” crying or being sad, but I tend to be better if feel it and deal with it.
So to make for a happier holidays I’ve started to bring some of her back into my holiday traditions. Here are my top 5 tips to make it a happier holiday season even if someone special is gone.
1) Reignite a traditional holiday event. For example, as kids she used to take us into the city to see all the holiday decorations, do a little bit of shopping and have a nice lunch. This year I decided to spend a day celebrating my birthday doing this. It was really nice and I did it with friends! The memories the came up made me happy and not sad, I was mentally and emotionally ready to do this.
2) Make their festive food tradition your own. Every year she’d spend time baking her infamous chocolate chip cookies for the neighbors. I did this to a T the first couple of Christmas years but I’ve now put my own spin on it and the cookies are a supporting act and not the main feature. It’s taken her tradition and turned it into ours! It doesn’t make me sad, it makes me feel closer to her.
3) Be open to your new normal. Especially if this is your first holiday without them. You can’t bring them back (physically speaking) so what you’ve known as “normal” or “traditional” is going to change from this point forward, it’s inevitable and fighting it won’t make it easier. Our first holiday after my Mom passed was Thanksgiving. She used to spend the week leading up to that Thursday in the kitchen prepping for our and our extended family’s dinner! Our first one after she passed, my Dad ordered one of the box ones from the grocery store. I was in shock but I wasn’t about to argue about it. Even if we did try to recreate it, it would have not been the same and probably added more tension and emotion to the day.
4) Embrace the feelings. Yup, you are going to get mad, be angry, and/or tear/cry–might as well accept it. It doesn’t mean you are broken–just human and unlike the Tin Man, you have a heart. I can still remember our first Holiday Season without her…it felt weird (like something was missing), it didn’t feel right, I was sad, felt lonely, I cried, etc. But each year since, it’s gotten easier and happier. I still have moments/days that are still less happy but I take those days for myself and then commit to not letting it keep me down.
5) Focus forward. I can’t tell you how many times I opted to turn to food to “soothe” or drown my feelings related to not having my Mom around any more. I can’t tell you because it happened so much that I lost count. But I can tell you that those times have significantly reduced over the years. For one, I’m more aware of how I feel after I’ve done that and I don’t like that physical feeling. Secondly, it doesn’t help with the emotional pain, it’s still there after I down a box of chocolates. So I now I focus more on fueling my body versus “feeding” the feelings. I also get out if I’m in a funk. Winter months tend to keep us inside more than outside which reduces key nutrients and vitamins that we get from the sun and have side effects in and of themselves. So I commit to getting outside weather permitting and if it doesn’t I still try and get out of my house.
I can’t guarantee that all this will work for everyone, I’m simply sharing what I know has worked for me. You can’t stop change from happening, but you can make it an easier shift by going with its “flow” versus fighting against its “current”!