Often times when I’m out on my longer runs I witness seemingly happy families and couples–old and young. They’re in the parks celebrating, playing, walking and enjoying life together. Early on in my running journey this used to gnaw at … Continue reading
Biggest and most challenging project I’ll likely ever take on–myself. *SIGH* Don’t get me wrong, that’s not a bad sigh nor is that a complaint. I’m a worthy project to spend that kind of time and effort on. Easy is … Continue reading
Well excuse me while I clean up and dust around here….Spring cleaning, right?!?
Life is full of transitions…seasons change, people get married, people have babies, we change careers, people move their homes, etc. Some of life’s transitions are less visible though. We often feel them before we actually realize and recognize that they’re upon us. I recently read that we naturally (or subconsciously) have major transitions about every seven years. [Momentary pause while I count out with my fingers and toes how many years old I am…. :)] Hmm, if this theory is accurate that would mean I’m going through my fifth life transition cycle this year (I’ll wait while you do the math). To be honest, I could feel it creeping up on me earlier this year. It’s not so sneaky anymore, that or I’m getting wiser with these years.
One thing I did today–likely influenced by my need/want to “shake the dust off” of things in my life–really shook me tonight. For more then a week I’ve been wanting to make my hair shorter then it’s been. I do this sometimes, so it’s nothing new. But this time I went really short– I have only had it this short once before in my life and that was because I took a risk on a “stylist” I shouldn’t have. I watched her snip snip snip away my hair over the course of the hour it took her. I was comfortable and yet a little anxious about it. She blow dried it, straightened it out a bit to tame my fly-aways and we were done. I must have been either shocked or expressionless because she asked me if I liked it more then once. I quickly responded yes, thanked her, paid/tipped her and then was on my merry way. I didn’t wander around the stores or take peaks at myself in the mirrors along the way, I just left. I was just as abrupt getting in my car and driving back home. I never once really took a look at myself again after I left the salon. Dad commented shortly after I got to his house for dinner, but not in a shocking way–it was quite a boring evening to be honest.
When I got home, showered and blow dried my hair (yes, I know I just got it done but anyone who goes that short knows there’s no way to get rid of those little tiny stray clippings without showering) then it hit me!! Right then and there, in my bathroom, I lost it…I just balled my eyes out for a good 30 minutes, by myself (thankfully because it was one of those moments I likely wouldn’t have been able to articulate what it was that I was feeling). I wouldn’t even know who to tell if I did have someone. Why? Well, because tonight in that mirror, starring back at me was my Mom. I didn’t cry because I was regretting the decision to cut my hair short or even that she cut it a bit shorter then what I actually initially wanted. I was crying because I haven’t physically seen my Mom in almost eight years. Yet tonight, here she was starring back at me. I know, I’ve heard it over the years of how I look so much like her–both my sister and I do. But this was too eerily similar. This was not one of those passing comments–one which I spent most of my younger years dreading/loathing/defending against but recently embraced and would say “thank you” in response. This was beyond “I see the resemblance” and more “I’m looking at a ghost.”
There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about her. I know that there’s things I do that are very much like her and her way of doing things. I embrace that and I love that I’m able to keep that part of her alive. But tonight I felt like I can’t see certain people out of concern that I’ll upset them. Somehow through all that–more importantly–tonight reminded me that no matter how great of an accomplishment I may achieve in my life she will never be there physically to celebrate it with me. No matter how much weight I lose and healthy I become, no matter how many races I run, no matter how great of a job or money I make, no matter where I live, no matter who I marry, etc.
Sounds like I’m giving up, huh…? Quite the contrary. I say and realize all that to say this… Today I actually finally start to live my life for me. Not for the praise or promise of a parents’ love/admiration. I’m not ashamed to admit that a small part of me has held on to that belief from my childhood. I’m human. I guess the best way to say this–because it’s how she always used to say it to us (“so you have a real job now….you have a real place to live…etc.”)–today I live a real life! I wake up tomorrow for me! I’m passionate about a career that I chose and love! I’ll run because I can and love to (ok to be honest that may wait until Tuesday since I’m still trying to shake this cold)! But you get the point now. I started writing this blog through tears, but I had to start in order to get here. It’s a liberating feeling…which I didn’t really recognize that I was bound by until recently.
One more point and realization I’ve had over the years… I do recognize that many of the accomplishments, people I’ve met, relationships I’ve nurtured, and experiences I’ve had would likely not have happened without her passing. As hard as that sometimes is to say without tears, I know in my heart that’s a blessing and that’s one signed, sealed and delivered personally by her.
So stay tuned…we’ll see how this lives out together!
[No more tears…just one hell of a deep/long sigh, thankfully a less congested one…]
What’s a “meaningful maintenance rant”? Good question–begin rant here.
Maintaining my “healthy weight” has been just as big as a challenge as shedding the original 170lbs! NO JOKE. It’s easy to slip into the mindset of “I got this…I know what I’m doing…I’m FIXED…” and they go on. TRUTH is, none of that is accurate or appropriate! Maintenance is hard. That’s probably why the percent of people who reach their goal weight and maintain it long term is lower than 5%. CRAZY right??? We see these success stories all the time in media, on reality shows, and social media posts! I know, I got caught as one myself. But in doing that I started to lose focus on myself and my own well being. Please don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining about “not being fat” anymore. Truth be told, a part of my mind still thinks/sees me as that 345+ lbs girl.
Tonight I did something I hadn’t done in a long time until this year. Stress, lack of sleep, burn out, etc. got the best of me and I at anything that was edible and not nailed down. Didn’t really like (or have) much at my house so I went over to my parents house to eat there. I was tracking in the beginning of my day, even knowing that I was going to go well over my WeightWatchers daily PointsPlus target for the day. But when I left my house, it was all bets off. I ate to until the point where my head hurt, hurt to the point were it felt like the roots of my hair were being pulled out of my head. Like my hair had 5lb weight attached to each strand. It was pounding, my eye sockets felt swollen. My mouth was dry and the taste in it was less than appetizing. My throat even felt raw like I was getting a sore throat. My ears felt like I was getting an ear infection and at one point I had a weird back feed like sound echoing in them. Note, we’re still on just my head. I wanted to take a pill for it but stopped myself. Why? Because I realized I wanted the pill for the same reason I wanted the food. I wanted to stop feeling the pain.
Shall we go on? My chest felt heavy. My belly felt bloated and the more I ate the more it felt like I had a big balloon in there filling up with helium gas. I think i could feel my stomach getting so full with food that it was pushing my other organs out of the way and up to high parts inside my rib cage. I felt tight and I was wearing yoga like pants…those “give” a lot and so the fact that I felt constricted in them is beyond a bad sign. All this extra food weight made my legs feel like they couldn’t support the rest of my body. My knees started to ache already like I’d instantly added 10lbs.
At one point I felt like if I could just stick my finger—NOPE! Stop. That thought was just as bad/hurtful as the idea of me eating to make my feelings go away. Both just as damaging even at opposite ends of the spectrum. I turned to my 48oz water bottle and started sipping away. Something had to help me end this slippery slope! It all felt like an instant hangover. Which with the drinking bouts I had in my younger days, I swore I’d never drink to that point again because of how miserable that feels.
I share this graphic thought process because I know I’m not alone out there in doing this. I know because others are just as honest as I am about the struggle to be healthy. This is not just about calories in versus calories out. This goes much deeper. I knew when I had satisfied my food as fuel need. I went on for hours more of intermittent eating though. I woke up tired, not wanting to get up out of bed this morning–not sure why. I never made my bed (which is unusual for me) and to top it off, I walked less steps today than I did yesterday (and even if you added up both days, I still wouldn’t total up to 10K steps).
It’s 10pm PT now and I haven’t put food in my mouth for about two hours. I’ve showered. I’ ve continued to sip my water and my headache has reduced to a minor/dull ache. I tracked (what I could remember) what I ate and pre-tracked for Saturday. I’ve already declared it a new day and fresh start. What bothered me so much that I did this? Good question. Still haven’t answered that. But i’ll get there. Maybe a look into my “burn book” (more on that in my next post) will clue me in on what is “weighing me down.”
From one food addict to one who hasn’t realized they are one….
Food isn’t the answer. You first have to know the question you are asking in order to find your answer. STOP, PAUSE, REFLECT, ASK…be mindful to what is going on in you, around you, about you…you have the answer…the answer is in your heart. So now I say good night. I’m disconnecting for now to do that for myself.
Thank you and in good health,
I’ve been very aware–for whatever reason–this week when I’ve wanted to turn to someone, anyone, else for support and guidance this week. From the smallest thing of “where/what do you want to eat…” to “…guess what just happened…what do you … Continue reading