I’ve talked about trust before but this is the first time I’ll take responsibility and ownership in this word, topic and act. I came to the realization recently that my issues with trust aren’t rooted in others–like I’ve believed for so long–but in myself. I’ve struggled to trust myself all these years. Trust that I’m good enough, trust that I can do it, trust that I’m worth it, trust that I’ll make it….I can go on but it’s a long list and I’m sure that at this point you get it. When someone who I care for, respect and appreciate more then words can even begin to describe regularly reminds me of how much I matter and have a greater purpose, I finally stopped to ingest this. This wasn’t easy for me, I’m a pro at deflecting compliments or simply taking them for “face value.” But they weren’t going to let me continue to do that.
I’ve been in “prove it” mode for so long, I don’t know any other way to operate. That prove it primarily directed at myself too! Prove that you can run another mile Hall, prove that you can run 13. Prove that you can get this job, prove that you deserve the pay. Prove that you can graduate college, prove that you can earn your Masters too. I’m not proud of this way of operating but I am proud of my accomplishments. I still operate in this mode to prove to myself that I can survive and thrive each day without my Mom. It’s what got me out of the daily grieving process and a part of me hasn’t evolved to operate differently now even 10 years later (my heart aches at the thought of it being 10 years already). From July 31 to Aug 31 I still operate with a day to day focus because the thought of the future breaks me down. I’m crushed in the moment to know I won’t celebrate life milestones with her here. In those moments I recoil back into “I can’t do this…” and I lose trust in myself to move on without her. She gave me the greatest gift in her passing but yet still I struggle at times to celebrate it without her physically here.
I’m coming up on my 35th half marathon since starting to run in 2012…I will celebrate this with love surrounded all around me. I will celebrate this as a professional working woman. I will celebrate this in some of my best shape of my life. I will celebrate this….I will celebrate this as a ReNewed Me by having a new sense and trust of self. I will celebrate this with her, not the way I used to but the way I do now. She’ll be there with me every mile, step and stride. She’ll be in my head when I am doubting my ability. She’ll be there cheering me on when there are sections of silence along the course and I feel alone. I will celebrate this on the day that 10 years ago we brought her home for the last time. I will celebrate this with a new hope of life, love and self.