Biggest and most challenging project I’ll likely ever take on–myself. *SIGH*
Don’t get me wrong, that’s not a bad sigh nor is that a complaint. I’m a worthy project to spend that kind of time and effort on. Easy is definitely not a word that you’ll find me use here. So, how’d I get to this project? Good question, here’s the short version.
Recently my company reorganized and my position was eliminated. “OK,” surprisingly my initial thought–no heat or sass there, just ok. Business mode kicked in and I did all the things I needed to initially. Pack up, pass on, leave. Then my first weekend post freedom–here’s where/when it hit me. My ‘normal’ (oh yes, my favorite word–insert heavy sarcasm here) routine was suddenly not. Sunday night came along and no morning bag was needing to be packed, no early bedtime, no week of planning, just nothing. I sat there Sunday night lost, confused, feeling purposeless. So on Monday I freaked out of course–“I have no purpose!” Even writing this now I think, “what was I thinking?!?” Which brings me to the ‘aha’ of my post title.
I spent the next week or so trying to find my purpose. I realized in this process that I let my job become my purpose and that was my first mistake! In life this shouldn’t be–I’ve had a job ask me to choose between my paycheck and my terminally ill parent, I know better! But the thing about what I do for a living is that it’s often easy to have this happen and balance is important. I’m an EA (Executive Admin) and the surface level of what we do is to make sure that people are in the right place, at the right time, with the right people and all the right materials/information they need need in order to do their job to the best of their ability. So what I need for the next week was keep myself busy doing just that. My BF is a basketball coach, so guess who became the “team executive”. Making sure that coach knew his upcoming game (who, when, where, etc.)–he has two team so this was helpful. While I enjoyed being supportive of him and those kids, it wasn’t my purpose (or at least not entirely). I tried to throw myself into running but I couldn’t afford to (frivolously) sign up for any new races and it was constantly raining so that didn’t really work either–plus, again not my purpose, I’m not the modern day Forrest Gump.
Family, always people I can count on needing me….but I’ve also learned for myself that meddling or getting overly involved actually hinders them. Waited with baited breathe for my inbox to ‘ding’ with a message about my next job opportunity…definitely a major “to do” but not my purpose per se–basically would be the opposite and keep me in the same unhealthy system loop I’m in. Maybe someone from my past? I was thinking at one point that maybe I’d not fully closed the loop somewhere and I needed to go back and fully let go, but no. I could live a life of health and fitness (I did this once and basically lived at the gym)–which I’m focussing more on for personal health reasons–but it’s not my purpose. I’ll admit it I sulked about for a bit. I felt lost. So I did what I know best. I scheduled. I scheduled myself to workout every day, to talk to recruiters, to respond to emails regarding opportunities, for interviews, for coffee with friends, date nights, running, etc. I looked into travel for myself, maybe a get away was what I needed to figure this all out. After thinking that all through and listening to my linear/type-A self, I came to grips with ‘no’ that needs to wait. I scheduled myself to finally start checking things off my “to do” list that had been on there for a while and kept getting pushed off because I had to work or do a project or something work related.
It was during a run that I came to realize I was/am my purpose! I know, sounds obvious but it really wasn’t to me since I was in the “eye of the storm” the whole time, until now. The last eight years have had a lot of external focus and not as much internal. I was focused on my own health and wellness until I realized so was everyone else. You know why I originally started this blog? So I could just put my feelings and thoughts somewhere. At no point did I expect others (well maybe family and close friends) to read it or care what they were reading. I started to lose weight because I didn’t want to die at a young age for something that I knew I could learn to get control over. I started running because I believed the person who told me I could and then I started to believe myself when I told myself I could run further. I used to say I can’t do push-ups until someone told me I could–there’s a lot of strength related that I once said I can’t and now can. My point? All the seeds of my success were rooted in myself–my choice, my decision, my energy, etc. When I distracted from that, those things changed–I started to gain weight, I stopped liking/doing running, etc.
I digress…so here I am. The woman who doesn’t choose the spotlight but is in the spotlight. The woman who said she didn’t want to become her mother but she is (looks, personality, confidant, cook, etc). The woman who still struggles with accepting compliments but wants to be appreciated for the good work when she does it. The woman who doesn’t want to stand out in a crowd but is often one of the tallest ones in it–I won’t shy away in life any more though, I recognize that my silence is powerful too.
What’s my purpose? Not entirely clear on that. But I am clear on that I’m at the core of it. It’s definitely something that is rooted internally–however it may extend beyond myself. So here I sit, declaring (to myself) that my passion project is myself and look forward to finding my purpose. I know this, I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t have a purpose.