What’s a “meaningful maintenance rant”? Good question–begin rant here.
Maintaining my “healthy weight” has been just as big as a challenge as shedding the original 170lbs! NO JOKE. It’s easy to slip into the mindset of “I got this…I know what I’m doing…I’m FIXED…” and they go on. TRUTH is, none of that is accurate or appropriate! Maintenance is hard. That’s probably why the percent of people who reach their goal weight and maintain it long term is lower than 5%. CRAZY right??? We see these success stories all the time in media, on reality shows, and social media posts! I know, I got caught as one myself. But in doing that I started to lose focus on myself and my own well being. Please don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining about “not being fat” anymore. Truth be told, a part of my mind still thinks/sees me as that 345+ lbs girl.
Tonight I did something I hadn’t done in a long time until this year. Stress, lack of sleep, burn out, etc. got the best of me and I at anything that was edible and not nailed down. Didn’t really like (or have) much at my house so I went over to my parents house to eat there. I was tracking in the beginning of my day, even knowing that I was going to go well over my WeightWatchers daily PointsPlus target for the day. But when I left my house, it was all bets off. I ate to until the point where my head hurt, hurt to the point were it felt like the roots of my hair were being pulled out of my head. Like my hair had 5lb weight attached to each strand. It was pounding, my eye sockets felt swollen. My mouth was dry and the taste in it was less than appetizing. My throat even felt raw like I was getting a sore throat. My ears felt like I was getting an ear infection and at one point I had a weird back feed like sound echoing in them. Note, we’re still on just my head. I wanted to take a pill for it but stopped myself. Why? Because I realized I wanted the pill for the same reason I wanted the food. I wanted to stop feeling the pain.
Shall we go on? My chest felt heavy. My belly felt bloated and the more I ate the more it felt like I had a big balloon in there filling up with helium gas. I think i could feel my stomach getting so full with food that it was pushing my other organs out of the way and up to high parts inside my rib cage. I felt tight and I was wearing yoga like pants…those “give” a lot and so the fact that I felt constricted in them is beyond a bad sign. All this extra food weight made my legs feel like they couldn’t support the rest of my body. My knees started to ache already like I’d instantly added 10lbs.
At one point I felt like if I could just stick my finger—NOPE! Stop. That thought was just as bad/hurtful as the idea of me eating to make my feelings go away. Both just as damaging even at opposite ends of the spectrum. I turned to my 48oz water bottle and started sipping away. Something had to help me end this slippery slope! It all felt like an instant hangover. Which with the drinking bouts I had in my younger days, I swore I’d never drink to that point again because of how miserable that feels.
I share this graphic thought process because I know I’m not alone out there in doing this. I know because others are just as honest as I am about the struggle to be healthy. This is not just about calories in versus calories out. This goes much deeper. I knew when I had satisfied my food as fuel need. I went on for hours more of intermittent eating though. I woke up tired, not wanting to get up out of bed this morning–not sure why. I never made my bed (which is unusual for me) and to top it off, I walked less steps today than I did yesterday (and even if you added up both days, I still wouldn’t total up to 10K steps).
It’s 10pm PT now and I haven’t put food in my mouth for about two hours. I’ve showered. I’ ve continued to sip my water and my headache has reduced to a minor/dull ache. I tracked (what I could remember) what I ate and pre-tracked for Saturday. I’ve already declared it a new day and fresh start. What bothered me so much that I did this? Good question. Still haven’t answered that. But i’ll get there. Maybe a look into my “burn book” (more on that in my next post) will clue me in on what is “weighing me down.”
From one food addict to one who hasn’t realized they are one….
Food isn’t the answer. You first have to know the question you are asking in order to find your answer. STOP, PAUSE, REFLECT, ASK…be mindful to what is going on in you, around you, about you…you have the answer…the answer is in your heart. So now I say good night. I’m disconnecting for now to do that for myself.
Thank you and in good health,