I’ve been very aware–for whatever reason–this week when I’ve wanted to turn to someone, anyone, else for support and guidance this week. From the smallest thing of “where/what do you want to eat…” to “…guess what just happened…what do you think…” Ironically–or not–enough, when I’d turn to tell someone, no one was there. Not just in the literal sense–reminder, I work remotely from home and i live alone–but even a phone call. I’d call and get a voicemail. Stereotypical jump to conclusion I was like “dang, no one wants to talk to me!” Haha….when really, it was a clear sign that I needed to turn to myself first.
Why is it that I struggle with that? I had a great upbringing. Two happily married parents (who if my Mom was still alive today, would have celebrated 43 yrs together this year), working class family, went to good schools, etc. But when it comes to making a decision or choice I turn to someone and ask them first. I don’t even stop to think about what I think/feel/know about the situation.
Maybe this is what’s making me sad this week. Not in an “Eeyore carrying around his eternal storm cloud” way but just that nagging feeling. Nudging me when I do get a “nothing moment” (the rare occasions when something/everything isn’t rushing through my mind of what I have to do, did do, have done and didn’t want, etc.) and feeling on the verge of tears. This isn’t a “well she’s a female and they cry over anything”. We all have feelings, whether we choose to feel them or not is up to us. I know and have seen plenty of males shed a tear, so don’t give me that bit. It’s not an “I’m broken and need fixing” either. I don’t feel lonely–if anything I’m overwhelmed by all the people time I get (the one nice thing about working remotely, less people time). I’m going on a tangent here and it’s off topic, but one last thing is I like being a “hermit” some times. It allows me time to myself to recharge and regroup.
I know that part of pulling back the layers–that I’ve chosen to do based on my post last week–is going to have the effect on me. Part of the process will be identifying the why’s and how’s and what not. So as a reader, there may be some patience required of you with me, please and thank you.
In a conversation the other day, which was completely unrelated to me and my personal issues, I pointed out to someone, that the goal shouldn’t be for people to solely rely on themselves; the goal should be for individuals to be able to first rely on themselves and then turn to others to delegate or facilitate where/when necessary. For example, I should be able to manage my money that I make but you’re not going to find me doing my taxes! I have a wonderful person who’s been doing them for me since I was “paying” them with babysitting hours! That’s not my area of expertise and nor would it be a good/productive use of my time. On the other hand, you notice that I do have some basic control/say over that area of my life.
Same goes for other aspects of our life–physical health, emotional health, and spiritual health. Those are the foundation for a strong person. The strength in the foundation of those areas of our life emulates to others–financial, relationship, vocational, etc. In order to achieve health and wealth in those areas, I know I need to first take the time to look at and work on me. Recognize the “Unbelievable Me” that already exists and build upon it! Enough scrutinizing the negative and start absorbing the positive. It’s time to use criticisms as feedback, use failure as lessons learned, use emotions as vehicles of for change, etc.
My tears are not a sign of weakness but that of strength. I’m comfortable enough and strong enough with myself to show emotion. I allow myself to get close enough to feel and invest in someone or something enough to evoke emotion. It’s passion and purpose, not weakness or inability. In this case, it’s me being strong enough to let “it” go. Let the hurt of my past go and stay in the past instead of carry it on into the future with me. I’ll be ok and strong enough to go on. I may have times of being alone but I’m never lonely. When you lose a loved one, you never are…they are always with you in some capacity. My tears aren’t of sadness but of relief. I know it’s ok, I know she’s ok, and most importantly I know I’m ok–or at least going to be!