It’s time…

“Whether you’ve seen angels floating around your bedroom or just found
a ray of hope at a lonely moment, choosing to believe that
something unseen is caring for you can be a life-shifting exercise.”
~Martha Beck

I’ve been reading a book, Proof of Heaven, which I picked up just after the holidays.  What drew me to it was the same thing that drew me to my first NDE book, understanding the passing of my Mom which in turn provided me comfort.  This booked sparked something in me last night that I’ve been somewhat contemplating for a while.  Finally writing about and really delving into the experience of living and loving through my Mom’s battle with cancer.  Upon reflecting on this last night I realized that while I could recall quite a bit, there were aspects of the whole thing–especially towards the end–that I don’t remember as vividly or hardly at all.  But I know I have the memories–I was there the whole time–plus, I can feel them, I just can’t picture them.

I want to talk to those who were around me at that time so I can piece this all together.  I want to move on and be at peace with it all–really, not just on the surface.  I didn’t talk to a lot of people who I’m close to during this time–especially the last few months before she passed away.  I’m not, yet, even sure why I did that.  I remember praying a lot in the hospital chapel and my sister calmed/focused me by setting me up to color in the waiting room while we’d rotate in/out of ICU.  Coloring–anything artistic really–is like meditation for me, it calms and focuses me.  I went back to the hospital about 12 months after Mom passed because I knew I had to face my demons about it at that time.  For a few months that place because my “second home” or at least where I spent the majority of my time aside from home. But I know there’s more layers to this that I’ve left to fester, I’m ready.  Ready to uncover and share my story.

"Mom's View" Painted for my Mom in May 2008 when she went back into the hospital and stayed for the rest of that summer.  I wanted her to have a better view then just the hospital walls.

“Mom’s View” Painted for my Mom in May 2008 when she went back into the hospital and stayed for the rest of that summer. I wanted her to have a better view then just the hospital walls.

Why am I bringing this up now and wanting to understand it better?  Well, one of the things I learned while losing weight was that a lot of my weight was emotionally connected to past memories.  Things that I was emotionally scarred by and instead of dealing with them at the time, I tucked them away until I forgot about them.  But the truth is I never really forgot about any of them.  When they’d try to resurface for me to deal with I’d hardly give them a thought or second look and instead choose to eat my way, sleep my way, or “sofa loaf” my way to comfort.  All those were just a “band-aid” and never a real fix because they’d all resurface again and I’d do one or all of the prior again–it was a sick cycle, literally!  I also want to be at peace–truly–with my Mom’s passing and I think I keep that from myself by not truly understanding, remembering, or accepting everything that happened.  I don’t want to go through the rest of my life with that “cross to carry.”  I know what it leads to and I want to live a happy, healthy, and full life.

Finally feeling strong and able because I dealt with all that was weighing me down over the years.  But since that picture on the right, I've fluctuated 20lbs because of new/other life experieences which have had me partially fall back to old habits.  It takes a continuous effort, but it's worth fighting for.

Finally feeling strong and able because I dealt with all that was weighing me down over the years. But since that picture on the right, I’ve fluctuated 20lbs because of new/other life experiences which have had me partially fall back to old habits. It takes a continuous effort, but it’s worth fighting for.

So as I go through this year, I will be writing more about this, my revelations about what happened, how I’m dealing with them to “close that chapter” and moving on.  This, in the long-term, will allow for a healthy mindset.  Just like a healthy body, this is ongoing and takes effort daily, but they are all interconnected and lead to overall well-being.

By the way, for those of you following my Lenten promise that I set for myself, I’m successfully more then halfway through day 2–38 more to go!  There was almost a slip up this morning when I went to Starbucks with Dad, I habitually reached for the stuff in the yellow packet and begrudgingly grabbed the raw sugar instead.  A bit of a wake up call first sip, but I know I will adjust and come to appreciate it as time goes on.  My sleep the last two nights has improved–less tossing and turning–and my energy during the day is more stable. Progress!

My family in the early 2000s in Las Vegas.  One of the last family vacations we took together before my Dad had his stroke and then my Mom was diagnosed with cancer--she may have already been sick there, we'll never know.

My family in the early 2000s in Las Vegas. One of the last family vacations we took together before my Dad had his stroke and then my Mom was diagnosed with cancer–she may have already been sick there, we’ll never know.

Thank you for your continued support, encouragement, and inspiration! Onward!

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One thought on “It’s time…

  1. Pingback: Unbelieveable Me…. | RenewedMeHealth

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