I guess I shouldn’t be surprised–even after 90 lbs down–I still have these “aha” moments (has Oprah trademarked that yet, sorry if she did). This one I had when I least suspected it–again, I don’t think I should have been surprised by that either.
I was in class this weekend and we were in the middle of a discussion regarding an activity we had just done. A classmate of mine (who also happens to be one of my best friends) made a comment, indirectly in response to mine. She said something along the lines of it had to do with the way she was raised and that she was raised to know that she was worth/deserving of the best (I don’t want to put words in her mouth but that’s what I comprehended it as). It wasn’t a malicious or egotistical statement on her part at all. It made a lot of sense actually–our parent(s) want the best for us and do their best to instill that way of thinking in us. It establishes a sense of self worth. Initially I thought to myself–well my parents didn’t teach me to not think that I wasn’t worthy….but then I stopped. My reaction wasn’t about whether or not my parents didn’t raise me well–they did a great job. But at some point I got wrapped up into my own thoughts/views of myself and I began to think that I wasn’t deserving. I thought/felt I wasn’t deserving because of my weight. Looking back I know I was a healthy weight and just a tall kid (which is why I physically “stuck out”) but then I saw being a “big kid” = being a fat kid. Which, as a teenager, grew into “I’m fat, so I don’t deserve to have a boyfriend.” This continued through my college years and (I recently realized) into my young adult years. My “I’m fat = I don’t deserve” haunted me until Sunday when my friend made her comment and I had my epiphany. I was instantly taken back to these moments when I couldn’t understand why I didn’t get something that I thought I deserved and I realized that it was because I developed the mindset of “I don’t deserve it because I’m fat.”
WRONG! You (and I) deserve anything that you/I rightly work to earn–whether that’s a compliment, a raise, a new car, a weight loss, etc. I now understand why I never take compliments, b/c I never thought I deserved them. I now understand why I absorbed and held onto all the negative in my life–b/c I thought I deserved it.
This is coming from a woman who’s always (I think so) stood confidently in her beliefs, values, and individuality. But what I realized that day was that it wasn’t my parent’s fault or wrong doing and that I deserve anything that I rightfully and honestly strive for!
I had more “ahas” that day as we followed that discussion up with a guided meditation–I realized that I have a whole “junk drawer/closet” of things I need to address/face still. It’s those things that we put aside and say that we’ll get to it later. Then later comes and goes and it all begins to pile up, we stick it somewhere that’s around but out of sight. I know that I carry stuff about my mom’s passing still, about my childhood, about jobs I’ve had/lost/never had, about a lot of things. Just when you think you’ve cleaned up you remember that proverbial junk drawer–well now is the time to either deal with it or continue to carry the burden. That day I decided to start to deal with it. Create the keep, dump, donate piles and move up and on with life–my life!
I post this here b/c we need to realize that those items weigh more than we think. They add on LBS just like a pint of Ben & Jerry’s can. In fact, more often than not, they are the reason we turn to Ben & Jerry instead of the issue itself. I’m not advising you take on the whole drawer today–but open it, take a good look at it, and decide what you will pull out to work on first. It will make a HUGE difference.