This process/transition of change can seem quite daunting and unbearbale to us at times. There’s not enough time, it’s not the right not, etc. Truth is that when that change is happening it’s always the right time. I’m guilty of always saying this and of saying that I’m someone who doesn’t/didn’t change much because I didn’t like it. But that’s false–it’s part of nature to always be changing and eveolving whether we are conscious of it or not.
I was defeinitely conscious of it yesterday and most of this past week! I started off the week aware of the shift that was going on and trying to work with it–I was already exhausted from a long weekend of school and I don’t get holidays off as I am self employed, so Monday was no break for me. I would have much rather been out taking the day of service than working inside. When I did get out that day it was to take a walk, I needed it and was determined to get out and do it! Because of the weather, I took my walk indoors and I cried on part of it as well, but I did it! It was nothing spectacular for time or distance it just got me moving! I’d like to say that it go better from there but I had some struggles the rest of that evening as well. Change can be overwhelming if we let it be.
My struggle yesterday got to me and I let it. I had to be talked off the perverbial emotional ledge. The key for me to keep it in control is to reflect and write about it (hence my pressence here). Some see this as a weakness but I see it as being transparent–open and honest about life. I have been since I realized just how precious a gift life is after watching my mom pass away. Yes, if you are a regualr reader then you’ve heard me talk about her before, but I’ve gotten over the idea that I’m supposed to forget that it happened. I’ve grown since it happened, I’ve even started to see the bright light at the end of the grieving tunnel. But I know that I will always remember it because of the impact she and that experience had on my life. I may not physically have my mom here but I carry her spirit with me where ever I go and in whatever I do. I feel her presence when I need it most and where I least expect it. I realized this weekend that I’m letting go of the blame I put on myself with her passing. When I heard her say cancer I thought death–I admit it. But when she found it she was more sick than I knew and she put up one hell of a fight and I’m proud of her for that! I let go of the blame on myself becasue I realize that there’s nothing that I did or could have done to bring that on her, me or my family. Life is just life and none of us control that. Before you jump down my throat for that last comment, hear me out.
I believe and live in the idea that we attract what we put out–that meaning if you are negative you attract negative and if you are positive you attract positive. But none of us are God and we don’t get a say in who gets (or doesn’t get) a terminal illness. Doctors can do all they can to try and save their patients but there is a limit (at least at this point) in what they can do. I’m grateful for the oncologist my mom had because he treated her as an individual and not like every other patient who walked through his door. I recall fondly our times in his office for her chemo treatments becasue they were four hours of quality time together.
Back to my original point. I lost sight of my positive mentality this week because of all the change going on internally. I recognize that now and appreciate those who helped me get to this point of realization. Their patience, kindness and honesty make me a better person. They show true love through their actions not just words and that means more than anything–that is a greater gift then any you could buy and wrap up to give!
My only words of wisdom here for those who feel like they too are going thru a change is to surround yourself with those kinds of people in your life. But don’t forget to take time out for yourself. Love yourself as much as they do–that’s a priority! Know that you deserve the best because of who you are right now and not who you will be! Take some “hermitt” time as I call it–in all the fullness of my schedule the last 6 months, I lacked the balance of my “me time” which contributed to my emotional breakdown.
Healthy and Happy Chinese New Year!
I guess I shouldn’t be surprised–even after 90 lbs down–I still have these “aha” moments (has Oprah trademarked that yet, sorry if she did). This one I had when I least suspected it–again, I don’t think I should have been surprised by that either.
I was in class this weekend and we were in the middle of a discussion regarding an activity we had just done. A classmate of mine (who also happens to be one of my best friends) made a comment, indirectly in response to mine. She said something along the lines of it had to do with the way she was raised and that she was raised to know that she was worth/deserving of the best (I don’t want to put words in her mouth but that’s what I comprehended it as). It wasn’t a malicious or egotistical statement on her part at all. It made a lot of sense actually–our parent(s) want the best for us and do their best to instill that way of thinking in us. It establishes a sense of self worth. Initially I thought to myself–well my parents didn’t teach me to not think that I wasn’t worthy….but then I stopped. My reaction wasn’t about whether or not my parents didn’t raise me well–they did a great job. But at some point I got wrapped up into my own thoughts/views of myself and I began to think that I wasn’t deserving. I thought/felt I wasn’t deserving because of my weight. Looking back I know I was a healthy weight and just a tall kid (which is why I physically “stuck out”) but then I saw being a “big kid” = being a fat kid. Which, as a teenager, grew into “I’m fat, so I don’t deserve to have a boyfriend.” This continued through my college years and (I recently realized) into my young adult years. My “I’m fat = I don’t deserve” haunted me until Sunday when my friend made her comment and I had my epiphany. I was instantly taken back to these moments when I couldn’t understand why I didn’t get something that I thought I deserved and I realized that it was because I developed the mindset of “I don’t deserve it because I’m fat.”
WRONG! You (and I) deserve anything that you/I rightly work to earn–whether that’s a compliment, a raise, a new car, a weight loss, etc. I now understand why I never take compliments, b/c I never thought I deserved them. I now understand why I absorbed and held onto all the negative in my life–b/c I thought I deserved it.
This is coming from a woman who’s always (I think so) stood confidently in her beliefs, values, and individuality. But what I realized that day was that it wasn’t my parent’s fault or wrong doing and that I deserve anything that I rightfully and honestly strive for!
I had more “ahas” that day as we followed that discussion up with a guided meditation–I realized that I have a whole “junk drawer/closet” of things I need to address/face still. It’s those things that we put aside and say that we’ll get to it later. Then later comes and goes and it all begins to pile up, we stick it somewhere that’s around but out of sight. I know that I carry stuff about my mom’s passing still, about my childhood, about jobs I’ve had/lost/never had, about a lot of things. Just when you think you’ve cleaned up you remember that proverbial junk drawer–well now is the time to either deal with it or continue to carry the burden. That day I decided to start to deal with it. Create the keep, dump, donate piles and move up and on with life–my life!
I post this here b/c we need to realize that those items weigh more than we think. They add on LBS just like a pint of Ben & Jerry’s can. In fact, more often than not, they are the reason we turn to Ben & Jerry instead of the issue itself. I’m not advising you take on the whole drawer today–but open it, take a good look at it, and decide what you will pull out to work on first. It will make a HUGE difference.
I can’t put into words what I got from watching this, just know the feeling and know that it was meant to be shared. It’s a bit lengthy in comparisson to most online videos but it well worth your time!
I write this, not in a morbid sense, but in an honest effort to put my past behind and embrace the 2012 with open arms!
It was while on a walk that I thought about this. Why we use the new year to do this and don’t do it on an as need basis, I haven’t quite figured out….So here I go, my 2011 obituary.