If only…

I used to find myself saying this all the time…not as much now as before, but I still slip into old habits.  It’s funny, b/c this was the topic of discussion this week.  I didn’t have my best of weigh ins this week but surprisingly, I’m not upset with myself.  I enjoyed the baseball game and BBQ on the 4th, had dinner w/my BFF who’s visiting from Hawaii, and it is that time of the month.  But those aren’t excuses, just fact about what my week in a snap shot looked like.  I also know that I worked my ass off at the gym yesterday and I feel it this morning.  I know that I was active this week as well.  I wasn’t thrilled to see the result on the scale but I’m still happy with my progress. 

This experience is something I’ve had before, except I usually would’ve beat myself up over it and binged–then felt even worse and probably would’ve given up b/c I would’ve had another bad week.  Or I would have blamed myself and spouted off a number of “if only” statements that I coulda/shoulda done this, that or the other better so I would have lost.  Neither one of those would have been productive for me.  Instead I found my seat and listened to our discussion today.  Then I walked my way down to Starbuck’s, ordered my usual 7pt bfast/coffee, and read my Fitness magazine.  After my “me time”, I walked myself back up to my house and completed my 5k for the day!

On my walk back I was in my head about life.  Thinking about where I’m at with school right now, my relationship, work, etc.  I ended up day dreaming of me being in an interview, taking it over and telling this person about myself and why I’m the one.  It was all very different, we all know I’ve been through the interview mill over the last couple of years–as are many in this economic time.  But it wasn’t meant to be about just a job anymore…it was me getting out of my own way.  All too often, I’ve gotten the “thanks but no thanks” letter/email/call and just like my many times of disappointed weigh ins I do the “If only…” speech to myself.  But in this moment I was realizing that it’s not about where, or for who, or what title I’ve worked but what I’ve done with my life that makes me perfect for whatever career I choose or job I interview for. 

About two weeks ago I went to a teachers conference–which I am working towards becoming but not all certified yet.  On my drive there I was thinking about what this conference would involve and who would be there and hope that I “fit in”.  When I got thtere I realized that it didn’t matter what point of my teaching journey I was in, I was meant to be there and the only person that mattered to was myself!  I didn’t know anyone at this conference, which was a plus b/c I would get in some great networking time.  The people I met, talked to, worked with, listen to, etc. were amazing individuals that most of us would walk right past on the street and not think twice.  But these are the people who are actively changing the lives (for the positive) of today’s youth!  They do this with great passion and b/c they want to not b/c they have to or need the paycheck.  This isn’t a job for them it’s a vocation!  There may be budget cuts but none of the people in that room were going to let that stand in their way of making a difference!  There was no “if only…” present in that room or in any of their classrooms–literally or figuratively speaking!

So today I’m getting out of my own way–yet again–and laying “if only…” to rest, never to be used, seen, spoken again.  Its headstone will read “here lies ‘if only…’ –the past, never again to be the future.”

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