Meaningful Maintenance rant…

What’s a “meaningful maintenance rant”?  Good question–begin rant here.

Maintaining my “healthy weight” has been just as big as a challenge as shedding the original 170lbs!  NO JOKE.  It’s easy to slip into the mindset of “I got this…I know what I’m doing…I’m FIXED…” and they go on.  TRUTH is, none of that is accurate or appropriate!  Maintenance is hard.  That’s probably why the percent of people who reach their goal weight and maintain it long term is lower than 5%.  CRAZY right??? We see these success stories all the time in media, on reality shows, and social media posts!  I know, I got caught as one myself.  But in doing that I started to lose focus on myself and my own well being.  Please don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining about “not being fat” anymore.  Truth be told, a part of my mind still thinks/sees me as that 345+ lbs girl.

Tonight I did something I hadn’t done in a long time until this year.  Stress, lack of sleep, burn out, etc. got the best of me and I at anything that was edible and not nailed down.  Didn’t really like (or have) much at my house so I went over to my parents house to eat there.  I was tracking in the beginning of my day, even knowing that I was going to go well over my WeightWatchers daily PointsPlus target for the day.  But when I left my house, it was all bets off.  I ate to until the point where my head hurt, hurt to the point were it felt like the roots of my hair were being pulled out of my head.  Like my hair had 5lb weight attached to each strand.  It was pounding, my eye sockets felt swollen.  My mouth was dry and the taste in it was less than appetizing.  My throat even felt raw like I was getting a sore throat.  My ears felt like I was getting an ear infection and at one point I had a weird back feed like sound echoing in them.  Note, we’re still on just my head.  I wanted to take a pill for it but stopped myself.  Why?  Because I realized I wanted the pill for the same reason I wanted the food.  I wanted to stop feeling the pain.

Shall we go on?  My chest felt heavy. My belly felt bloated and the more I ate the more it felt like I had a big balloon in there filling up with helium gas.  I think i could feel my stomach getting so full with food that it was pushing my other organs out of the way and up to high parts inside my rib cage.  I felt tight and I was wearing yoga like pants…those “give” a lot and so the fact that I felt constricted in them is beyond a bad sign.  All this extra food weight made my legs feel like they couldn’t support the rest of my body.  My knees started to ache already like I’d instantly added 10lbs.

At one point I felt like if I could just stick my finger—NOPE! Stop.  That thought was just as bad/hurtful as the idea of me eating to make my feelings go away.  Both just as damaging even at opposite ends of the spectrum.  I turned to my 48oz water bottle and started sipping away.  Something had to help me end this slippery slope!  It all felt like an instant hangover.  Which with the drinking bouts I had in my younger days, I swore I’d never drink to that point again because of how miserable that feels.

I share this graphic thought process because I know I’m not alone out there in doing this.  I know because others are just as honest as I am about the struggle to be healthy.  This is not just about calories in versus calories out.  This goes much deeper.  I knew when I had satisfied my food as fuel need.  I went on for hours more of intermittent eating though.  I woke up tired, not wanting to get up out of bed this morning–not sure why.  I never made my bed (which is unusual for me) and to top it off, I walked less steps today than I did yesterday (and even if you added up both days, I still wouldn’t total up to 10K steps).

It’s 10pm PT now and I haven’t put food in my mouth for about two hours.  I’ve showered.  I’ ve continued to sip my water and my headache has reduced to a minor/dull ache.  I tracked (what I could remember) what I ate and pre-tracked for Saturday.  I’ve already declared it a new day and fresh start.  What bothered me so much that I did this? Good question.  Still haven’t answered that.  But i’ll get there.  Maybe a look into my “burn book” (more on that in my next post) will clue me in on what is “weighing me down.”

From one food addict to one who hasn’t realized they are one….

Food isn’t the answer.  You first have to know the question you are asking in order to find your answer.  STOP, PAUSE, REFLECT, ASK…be mindful to what is going on in you, around you, about you…you have the answer…the answer is in your heart.  So now I say good night.  I’m disconnecting for now to do that for myself.

Thank you and in good health,


“At the end of your feelings is nothing…”

I heard this quote in a YouTube this week and this video sparked something in me that’s needed a good kick in the pants–kind of like my Mom used to do for me (and my Dad too)! It’s harder when you have to be the one to motivate yourself.  Growing up I didn’t have alarm clock (or phones) waking me up–or even if when I did–I always had a parent/guardian there to make sure I physically got out of bed, got dressed and got my day started even when I didn’t feel like it.  She was my weather lady–“c’mon get up, it’s a beautiful day out, don’t waste it in here!”  She was my stylist–as much as one can be when I wore a uniform Monday through Friday!  She told me “I can” even when I felt like “I can’t.”  She was my barometer in life.  When she left us too soon–even though it was years since she was my wake up call–I’d somehow lost my way.  I felt like I was lost, I felt like I wasn’t capable to move on without her.  I felt like I’d lost my best friend and moving on wouldn’t be worth it without her.

Then I started to take steps to live again–I got active and walked daily, I started eating better, I went back to school (something we’d talked about me doing for years), and I started to live again!  I started to feel like I could do this on my own.  I graduated with my Masters, I got a job again after being unemployed for almost two years, I’d shed 170lbs, I let go of those who were holding me back and not supporting me in my efforts to be the best me.  I felt like I had figured it out, how to live without her.

The rest of the quote is this:

“At the end of your feelings is nothing, but at the end of every principle is promise.  Behind your little feelings it might be absolutely nothing, but behind every principle there is a promise.  And some of you in your life, the reason you’re not at your goal right now is because you’re all about your feelings.    You’re all on your feelings–you don’t feel like waking up.  So what, who does?  Every day you say no to your dreams you may be pushing your stuff back six months, a year…”

There were (and still are) days when I don’t feel like getting up.  But those days are much fewer then they were seven years ago, 6 years ago, and even 5 years ago.  I get up every day because I realize I physically can.  I had to start small and give myself the goal to get up every day I wake up, because I can and I vividly remember the many days that she couldn’t  I’ll never forget the first time my boyfriend asked why I couldn’t just sleep in and relax and do nothing.  I never realized that I wasn’t.  But then I told him.  I felt like when I wouldn’t get up, I was wasting the blessing I was given by waking up that day.  All I have and am guaranteed is right now.  If that meant that I could get up go about my morning then head out to run and get hit my a bus, well then dang it I was going to make the most of it.  I’d go out knowing that I got up and tried.  Which leads me to this feeling…

I came to learn that living that way wasn’t living for myself but for others–in particular my Mom.  So I hit my next “slump” of how do I live for me.  This is what I’ve been trying to figure out for the last two years.  Sounds like a long time but time has seem to fly by since the first time I realized this.

Here’s what I’ve come to realize….feelings are powerful.  They can be powerful for and against your efforts.  As said in the quote above, you can feel like you don’t want to get out of bed–hinders you.  Or you can feel empowered by achieving a goal you set–helps you.  But the “nothing” part that’s mentioned.  That’s what caught me and stopped me.  After a feeling passes there is nothing.  Sometimes they are fleeting and go as quickly as they came.  But a principle…what is a principle?  I looked it up:

“a fundamental truth or proposition that serves as the foundation for a system of belief or behavior or for a chain of reasoning.”

That’s powerful!  That’s long lasting!  That will impact and be sustainable in life.  It’s not a reaction (note the definition of feeling in the link provided), it’s a foundation!

So now what?  Stop feeling?  No, that’s not the point here.  I’m choosing to work to focus on the principle more than the feeling.  A principle is truth, a feeling is opinion.  I’d even venture to say that my intuition/gut is more principle than feeling.  I’m choosing to let go of what holds me back–fear, uncertainty, feeling like an outcast/awkward one, not feeling good enough, being the victim, etc.  These hold me back, they keep me from achieving my dreams.  Every day I think about them and feel what that was like to be that person once, I postpone my dreams for who knows how long.  Then often I turn around and complain about why things aren’t happening in my life–sooner, faster, at all.  I’ve talked about getting out of my own way but I couldn’t until I really realized and understood what that meant.  Holding on to these feelings was what kept me in the way of myself.  Now’s the time.  Now is the time to let them go and really move on. It’s time.  These four walls have sheltered me for 8+ years and now I’m breaking them down and starting fresh and new.


The coming posts won’t be about food or weight-loss or even health.  I’m planning on writing about what’s been holding me back all these years–physical/sexual abuse, morbid obesity, failure/drop out, being cheated on, being unemployed/broke, being the outcast kid, and losing a parent “young”–and how it’s going to help me achieve my dreams!  It’s time, it’s time to write and to write about IT.   I’ve been holding on to feelings to make them last but that’s the wrong idea.  Good memories will never be lost and principles last, not feelings.  It’s time to let the feelings go and move on.  All signs I’m seeing are reinforcing this!

Thank you!

Here’s the link to the video I spoke about–so grateful it found me:

Shedding the Layers….

I’ve subconsciously had the realization–more than once–along this journey, that a lot of my physical weight is from emotional weight that I’ve been holding onto and carrying through the years.  When I shed my weight initially (170 lbs) I faced a lot of things from my past–from physically being taken advantage of to self-doubt directly related to my intelligence.  There were things that I didn’t even realize that they had affected me until they were resurfacing.

Since hitting me physical best in 2013 I’ve struggled at managing my weight and endurance.  A lot of it connects back to mental/emotional choices versus physical/nutritional choices–you can still binge eat on healthy food.  I’ve put on a significant amount since that time.  Worked super hard for about year to stay as close as I could to that “magic” number but it literally consumed me–I felt like I was going to lose relationships and career opportunities if I didn’t just stop my fight with this, it was turning unhealthy.  Maintenance is my hard part.  Why?  170 pounds loss sounds like quite a challenge right?  It was, but learning, understanding and managing why I got to that point is the root of it.  I could easily get back to that point if I just gave up on myself–giving up consists of small continuous choices that compound on themselves until all control feels lost.  I didn’t want to do that again.  I know the work I’ve put in to get here and my achy knees today remind me of my alternative.

So about two weeks ago I wrote about and realized that I needed to take my motivation back!  To do so I’d have to make it a regular/continuous effort to make sure I didn’t take on and bury emotions like I used to.  I thought that it was mostly pertaining to the death of my Mom but I’m realizing it’s more than that.  I had a dream this passed weekend that really shocked me.  It was already after having fully woken up and during my nodding back off–usually those aren’t deep sleeps but I had a vivid dream so this time it was!  I had an elder of my family–who past away a while ago–appear before me, hug me and tell me “I’m sorry”.  They proceeded to speak to me in their native language, which at the time I could understand fluently but lost all memory of when I woke up.  I thought I’d laid our issues to rest when we laid them to their eternal rest but apparently I was wrong.  I woke up instantly and felt a huge weight lifted off of me.

That was Saturday, after getting out of work I decided I needed to take care of me and make the day full of “Me Time”.  I ended up going on a long run that afternoon.  I had no idea where I’d end up just knew I had to get out and go.  I changed out of my work clothes, into my running clothes and walked out my door.  Running/jogging/walking is very therapeutic for me–I wish my thoughts would instantly end up posting themselves into a blog, I get profound stuff while I’m out there!  I was so deep in my thoughts that I was nearly almost to my Mom’s gravesite.  I guess subconsciously I knew where I needed to go.  I stood in front of her plaque and just stared at it.  The body that brought me so much comfort for 25 years was kept from me by a marble slab.  I could feel the hot tears consume my eyes then roll down my sweaty/make-up melted face until I buried my face in my hands.  I wasn’t mad at her, I was hurt….hurt that she gave up.  I remember pushing her in a wheelchair through the hospital hallways one day after PT and whispering to her not to give up that we needed her.  Less than a week later she came home and a couple of nights later she took her last breathes in front of us.  At time all I said was “I love you and it’s ok…we’ll be ok” but there’s been many times that I haven’t felt that way.  I left that hurt there….I wiped my face, felt the peace consume me and continued on foot.

Today I had another “aha moment” while walking to my parent’s house.  I was born and raised in the same house in which my Dad still lives and my Mom died in.  We live at the end of a cul-de-sac which made for a tight-knit neighborhood.  There were no shenanigans that were going to happen while our parents weren’t around; someone on the block was always home and didn’t have a problem letting our parents know if we were acting out.  That block was and still is my “village.”–they helped raise me.  Growing up I’d want to make them proud of me almost as much as I wanted to make my parents proud of me.  Luckily, I don’t live far from any of them so I’m always (and always will be thanks to my hard-working parents) able to go back.  Like last night when we had an impromptu potluck BBQ dinner.  No celebration or reason, just did it because we could.  During the summers growing up we all pretty much lived outside and dined together.  Last night my Dad made an observation/comment that the group of us women at the end of the table were sitting there conversing like a bunch of sisters.  That made me smile, it was comforting to think of us like that.  Now that everyone is grown up, our relationship have evolved into that.   I’m digressing…Today, I had a good day.  I was productive, had minimal down times and I even made my bed–but that’s probably because I knew Katie would be stopping by and that’s her pet peeve–but I still felt something lurking.  So instead of driving I decided to lace up and take a walk to do some errands.

Walking to my Dad’s I ended up giving myself a pep talk–started of kinda like a whisper then full booming voice.  “I am enough. I am able.  I am good enough!  I have accomplished a lot. I have done more than what many others can even begin to think of doing. I need to be proud of me as much as–and MORE than–I am proud of those I love.  I earned my Bachelor’s degree.  I successfully completed my Masters–do you know how small that percentage is?!? I have lost and kept off 150 lbs!  I have completed almost 20 half marathons–since 2012!  The more accomplishments I kept adding in my head the more I was realizing how much I personally/singly have done–how small the percentage kept getting as I kept adding.  I’m unique, I am valuable…I am still here so I have a purpose to live out to better this world and myself.  It may sound silly but I needed this–I was and often am quick to focus on what I don’t know and/or have versus what I DO!  I know (and am grateful for) how blessed I am.

Towards the end of my pep talk a thought rushed in like a bull in a China shop and I could feel my heart clench and my eyes wandering for the answer.  Growing up I have SO many wonderful memories, but there’s one that I don’t tend to revisit often because it’s dark.  At thirteen I became very depressed; I remember shutting out my parents and crying constantly in my room.  I’d thought about how to end it….all of it.  I tried to plan it but I couldn’t picture the end, my end.  I “joke” that I was too much of a wuss to experience pain so it had to be something that would be painless–I couldn’t come up with anything.  So I’m still here, gratefully.  But the root reason for that happening at that time is I’d felt like I lost the one person who “got me”.  They were the one person (other than my parents/family) that I’d know since we were in diapers…and just like that, they left me.  There’s a story there but it’s not mine to tell.  It wasn’t quite “all of a sudden” but at 13 it felt that way to me.  This person got labelled a problem/trouble maker in time but to start they were my tree climbing buddy, my make mud pies together person, my dig holes in the backyard to see what we could find.  Then they weren’t–ripped from my side and not allowed to communicate or say goodbye to me.  At 13 I couldn’t understand the “why” and “how” of it even though my parents tried to explain.  I didn’t even think anything was really that wrong until their violent side was direct toward me, which left me even more perplexed and hurt–literally and figuratively.  On my walk today I realized I’d been holding on to this….I held onto that hurt for almost 20 years.  That was the root of my “everyone ends up leaving me” feeling.  My brain gets the whole concept of people come in and out of your life but my heart has always struggled with the concept.  In holding onto this grudge I’ve ended up pushing people out of my life before they get the chance to leave me–I always expect the “other shoe to fall.”  It wasn’t going to but my thoughts which turned to actions lead to that happening.  I don’t blame anyone, I simply know why now and have now let it go.  I don’t need to continue to carry that, believe that, or live that.  I forgave myself.

Moving forward this has to become a regular practice.  Just like showering is a daily routine self-care and reflection is going to become one of mine.  Maybe it will be while I’m out on a run, lifting weights, in hot yoga, or just lying around.  Practice makes progress….

I create my success from within.

“Success is not a destination, but the road that you’re on.”  — Marlon Wayans


Seeing Clearly Now…

How about an update to this crazy no sugar thing I committed myself to?!

There’s a foggy haze that’s been lifted and I feel like I have something substantial to actually write about.  So during this “sugar detox” I’ve found some spiritual clarifty and practices.  I’ve gotten back to and better at meditating, I actually went out and tried hot yoga (thanks to my WeightWatchers friend Lula and my BFF Katie for the nudge), and I realized just how foggy I’d been operatering these last few months.

During my rebirth of my meditation practice, I came across this excerpt and felt the need to share.

The Final Obstacle Is Us

“The greater the crisis it seems, the swifter the evolution.”
~Elizabeth Gilbert
There has never been a better moment in human history than right now to be a woman. Nobody in the history of womankind ever had a better chance to manifest her own life than the modern woman … right now.

 Then why do we still battle the lingering doubts and prejudices in our own minds that convince us we are not worthy—not good enough, not strong enough, not talented enough, not brave enough?

Why are we holding ourselves back from greatness?

It’s from a Deepak Chopra daily reflection that I did a while back.  In cleaning out my inbox (yes, I do stuff like that) I came across it again and re-read it.  This speaks so much truth to me.  This whole process is really revealing how much I’ve been holding myself back.  I don’t sit here wallowing in regret about it, on the contrary!  I’m actually grateful for my new found clarity!  I didn’t know I was walking around in a fog.  I didn’t realize how much I’d been missing out on by being in that state of being.  I was more like a zombie then human.  I’d wake up, eat, work some, eat, want to nap (sometimes did), work a bit more, eat, and then sleep again.  It sounds depressing just reading that as I type it out!  To have a day like that, not a big deal in my book.  But to have every day like that, is NOT good!  But I wasn’t aware enough to realize that that is what I was doing.

It’s no wondering I wasn’t happy with myself.  It’s no wonder I put on 15 lbs over my goal weight–note that’s over my goal weight, that’s not based on the lowest I got down to.  Yes, I’m human and until I become superhuman or really accept and deal with my faults I’ll always fight this battle.  But with where I’m at now I feel like I’m in a place where I can do that.  Accepting you’re imperfections is easier said then done.  Actually, it’s almost as challenging to admit my imperfections–step one I guess.

We all “know” we aren’t perfection but who actually talks about it?  And why is it so hard to talk about anyways.  I just saw in the news how we are creating narciscistic kids but what about ourselves.  We start a petition because we don’t think it’s ok that Facebook has an emoji that allows someone to admit that they are feeling fat?  Why?  Who cares if that’s how they feel?  I feel fat sometimes–usually it’s when I’ve over indulged on food.  No we are being censored on admitting our feelings?  And the other thing…with this recent “International Womens Day” (do guys even get a day?) when did this start and why?  It’s like the feminist’s (uh oh, I’m going on a rant and I’m sure I’m going to get comments/emails about this but too bad it’s my blog I can say what I want) own Valentine’s Day!  Why do we need ONE day to celebrate ourselves as women?  Why do we need one day to “come together” and celebrate the amazing women in this world?  Why isn’t that happening every day?  Oh I know, because the other 364 days a year we are sitting in front of our screens and judging each other.  I’ve seen “plus sized” models go through fat shaming and celebration all in the same day.  I’ve seen thin women get praised for eating indulgently in public and shamed in the same day.  I’ve seen a self empowered corporate excecutive female get praised and criticized all in the same day for being a career minded female who also wants to be a mom.  What are we doing to each other?  Are we so unhappy with ourselves that we have to bring down each other too?  This does go back to my original point about admiting and accepting our own imperfections.  In today’s society you can’t be too thin or too fat because there’s going to be a group that comes together and bashes you for it.  BE YOU!  WORRY ABOUT YOU!  I don’t mean that in a selfish, self centered way but in a Michael Jackson “take a look in the mirror” way.

We are holding ourselves back and each other by living the way we are.  Let a kid get a gift they didn’t ask for on a list so they learn humility and gratitude.  Let a student fail at a problem so they can learn how to get it right on their own.  Let a baby fall while learning to walk so they learn how to get back up and try again.  Let a woman, man, girl, boy, etc. learn to pave their own path so that they may reap the reward for achieving their goal.  There’s always a reaction for every action we take–they may be unintended but it’s going to happen none the less.  What’s the better option–“Bandaid” the problem or find a solution?  I prefer the solution, personally!

So that’s why I’m sitting here in bed (at 915pm PT) and I’m ok with that.  Label me the old lady who’s in bed before some kids are.  I don’t care.  I know that I need sleep in order to function well and with this jump ahead an hour, “performing well” isn’t where I’m at yet.  I know I’m a littler bitter that I don’t wake up at 6am to daylight anymore because of daylight savins.  But the whole government isn’t going to change that just to please me–nor they should!  Plus, I’ll adjust and get there.  I’ll be happy when the weather starts to warm and I can go for an evening run after work outside because it’s brighter later now.  I’m just a little immature about it at the moment–I’ll get over–I learned that lesson young too and I’m better for it!

So what’s this rant (yep, I’ll admit that) have to do with inner reflection, imperfection, and appreciation?  We are all individuals part of a greater piece/system.  My place in this world effects others who come in contact with me–physically or socially.  I know that if I’m not offering my best self through taking care of myself first, i’m weakening the system as a whole.  So yes, some times I just suck it up and get up and do what I have to because the world isn’t going to stop revolving if I don’t want to get out of bed.  Plus, being in that state isn’t going to make me feel any better.  Getting up is hard sometimes, but it’s for the best in the long run.

I’m seeing clearly now that taking care of myself–first and foremost–allows the system as a whole to be better.  It allows me to offer my best self to those I love and care for.  I’m not an immortal superhero who can do everything, all the time, forever.  I’m perfectly imperfection me.  What I can’t do well, someone else can and I’m good to delegate to them.  I was put on this earth for a reason and I’ll work at vocation versus trying to fulfill other’s!

Be ok and accepting of who you are and why you are who you are.  Accept your imperfections as openly as you accept your assets–they all make up who you entirely are anyways.  I’ll share this one last bit with you.  Someone in my WeightWatchers meeting this week said something so simple and yet so profound.  She was going on a cruise and worried about making the healthy choices with the all you can eat options.  A friend told her to just enjoy herself AND (this is the part I love) to let enough be enough!

Unbelieveable Me….

FiP You Are Enough

I’ve been very aware–for whatever reason–this week when I’ve wanted to turn to someone, anyone, else for support and guidance this week.  From the smallest thing of “where/what do you want to eat…” to “…guess what just happened…what do you … Continue reading

It’s time…

"Mom's View" Painted for my Mom in May 2008 when she went back into the hospital and stayed for the rest of that summer.  I wanted her to have a better view then just the hospital walls.

“Whether you’ve seen angels floating around your bedroom or just found a ray of hope at a lonely moment, choosing to believe that something unseen is caring for you can be a life-shifting exercise.” ~Martha Beck I’ve been reading a … Continue reading

Shrove Tuesday–What is it, why do many “celebrate” it & what I’m confessing to you?


So as a kid we always had breakfast for dinner on Shrove Tuesday.  That’s how i knew it growing up “Shrove Tuesday”, the Tuesday before Ash Wednesday.  I did grow up Catholic so I partially fasted for Lent by observing the no meat on Ash Wednesday and all the Fridays.  We didn’t call it “Fat Tuesday” or Mardis Gras but I knew others who did, and took it for all basically being the same–splurge before the fasting/cleansing period of Lent.


My Mom would go all out for this breakfast/dinner feast!  We’d get home from school that afternoon and the griddle for the pancakes would already be set up.  She’d have a fresh dozen eggs in the fridge for us and fresh bacon from the local butcher!  Sometimes she’d even make fresh hashbrowns and fresh squeezed orange juice!  It felt like a bigger weekend breakfast on a weekday most times!  It was like a holiday breakfast on a random Tuesday night!  I have very fond memories of those evenings.

Now a days we’ve shifted to taking our “brinner” out to a restaurant.  Something just isn’t the same without her here to do it all with/for.  The griddle hasn’t seen the light of day for almost a decade.  It wasn’t so much a day of being gluttoness but a day of gathering and feasting together.  We didn’t go “hog wild” all day long.

Today, my Dad and I did breakfast for lunch instead since I had dinner plans elsewhere.  I love breakfast any time of day but I’m pretty standard and keep it usually to an egg white omelet with fixings and wheat toast, dry.  But I was feeling nostaglic and this is the one day I always go all out for my breakfast not at breakfast meal.  I ordered the pancake breakfast–two buttermilk pancakes with eggs (whites), and bacon! YUMMY!  With a busy morning of work and calls, the time away from my desk, visiting with my Dad was more than welcoming!  Even the walk down the hill in the chilly California weather was welcoming!

Afterwards I wondered though, what’s the real meaning of the term “Shrove Tuesday”–especially the shrove part.  So, typical Dad response, I Googled it!

This moveable festival is determined by Easter. The expression “Shrove Tuesday” comes from the word shrive, meaning “absolve“.[1] Shrove Tuesday is observed by many Christians, including Anglicans, Lutherans, Methodists and Roman Catholics,[2] who “make a special point of self-examination, of considering what wrongs they need to repent, and what amendments of life or areas of spiritual growth they especially need to ask God’s help in dealing with.”[3]


The part of the excerpt that stood out the most to me was the part at the end where it states that people make a conscious effort of self reflection–what they’ve done, what needs to change, and what areas they need help in.  I’ve been looking to do this, looking to find the time and effort to do just this!  2014 was challenging on many levels–physically, emotionally, personally and professionally.  I started 2015 with renewed spirit but not feeling completely in control and back on a good/healthy track.

I’m looking to change this.  I feel like I’ve been taking short cuts by looking for answers everywhere but to myself.  So as we wrap up this Shrove Tuesday, I’d like to renew me.  For a while I was doing something new and positive every Lent instead of giving something up.  But this year, I’m going to do a combination of these two practices.  I’ve found myself craving sugars and the not so good for me carbs.  I know “we can eat anything in moderation” but these things really do react with my body.  But much like a drug, they can be hard to quit and moreso when there’s an emotional connection there.  So for Lent I’ll be weening myself off of processed sugars/sweetners and the carbs that my body doesn’t like–white flours, bread, etc.  My addition of something positive will be my re-implementation of “me time”–quiet, self reflection time.  I’m also adding a “Move It, Love It” aspect to this by increasing my activity.  I did just sign up for my 20th half marathon after all!

I commit to this and to myself for 40 days, beginning Ash Wednesday.  It’s 40 days of taking care of myself…I worked so hard for so long to let go and forgive myself for all the burdens, hurts, and wrong doings I was “carrying” in weight for decades.  I’m not going to “repack”!  I’ve learned.  I’m going to forgive myself, no guilt, and move on.  Get back to my basics…self love, care, and patience.

Ash Wednesday Symbol


There’s so many numbers that seem so defining in the world–an area code (ladies, remember when Carrie freaks out in the SATC movie?!), zip code (uh, hello just about everyone know 90210), income brackets, credit scores, sports rankings, weight, cholesterol counts, nutritional counts, followers, likes, comments, and so on!  Guess I may have forgotten one there…age!  We are young and give our age in fractions when people ask–so how this matters then!  As we grow up we start rounding up to the near whole–meaningful–number, if we are 14 we are saying “almost 16”, 17 goes to 18, 21 starts when we are…well maybe I better not go there, lol! In our 20s we don’t seem to care what the number is until we hit 29 and then wonder how we got to 30, but embrace it after all 30 is the new 20 right?!

As 30 goes just as fast as it came, I find friends starting to round down like the 3__ is somehow a dirty lil secret.  “Oh, it’s the 5th anniversary of my 29th birthday!” Um, what?!?!  Why?  Because if we are 3__ there’s an expectation of where and who we should be and if we aren’t that then we better not actually embrace the number it is?  Because if we don’t say it, it doesn’t really exist?  Because getting older is a bad thing?  Because if I’m 3__ and still living alone and not married with kids I’ve some how failed or something is wrong with me?  Because at anything over 15 I have to act a certain way, look a certain way, and live a certain way?

What’s with all the numbers and labelling?  For a OCP (obsessive compulsive personality) you’d think I’d be all over this labelling and categorizing it’s my thing! But (and maybe this is my creative side that comes out and keeps me from being OCD, literally) the fact of the matter is that I’m just the opposite when it comes to people, and especially myself.  That’s not what this whole post is about though.  Do you ever notice when people (who don’t know you) find out it’s your birthday and one of the first questions they as you is “how old”?  It’s like anniversaries, everyone asks how long.  But what matters to me is everything in between the years! “Oh it’s your wedding anniversary?  That’s great!  What’s been the best part about being married?”  It may sound kind of silly, but I’m serious. A life isn’t a life if it isn’t being lived.

I’m 33 now (officially, it’s now after midnight) and I’m kind of like “ok, so this is another year in 30…”  A younger version of myself would turn to me and say “girl, you better get it together and get yourself a ring on that finger, a house you own (vs rent), some kids, etc. because you’re on your way down, time is a ticking!”  But the me I’ve become knows and thinks differently.  I know that there’s value in planning and goal setting.  But the planning part is just that.  Life will happen and things will change and you need to as well–the only thing that is constant is change.  Life will happen as it’s meant to, it may not go as I initially planned but it will go on.  I never imagined a 30 something birthday without my Mom around.  But the fact is that, she never saw me out of my 20s.  My old self freaked out after my 27th birthday because I realized 30 was right around the corner and 30 ended up being midlife for my Mom.  But me now just lives and celebrates each day.  Sometimes that celebration is done out on a trail and other times on the comfort of my couch.  The last 6 years have taught me that either way, it’s my choice and in making a choice I lay the path to how I live my life moving forward.

My birthday is one I thank my parents for.  I’d like to celebrate those who have helped bring to this very day in this year.  Who created me, help shape me, guide me, support me, encourage me, console me, inspire me, motivate me, reflect me… I wouldn’t be who I am or where I am without them.  I like reflecting back on how I got here.  All that I survived and thrived to be who I am today.  The past that prepares me for my future…

I’ve lived 33 years and I’m still here.  I appreciate the gift each day is–the laughter and the tears.  The love and blessings from everyone.  The good, the challenging and everything in between. I’m more then that number, I’m all the living I did until this point.  Today I celebrate my presence.

Perfectly REAL

Just two words–“Perfectly Real”–and yet so loaded and powerful.  I’ve stated before that my goal hasn’t been around making the “perfect body” but being healthy and fit, at least for me.  The journey itself has been far from perfect!  I’ve tried to sit down and write this post a number of times but never end up finishing it…ironic?  Maybe so, or that’s the message.  That if my goal were about perfection, it would be an unrealistic goal that I’d never actually (naturally) achieve.  Plus what is “perfect” to one person may be far from perfect to another and in the end the only definition and opinion that matters is my own.

To be perfectly real and honest, this journey has been ongoing since I was a young child.  Petite until only about three and then always the “big kid” from five years of age and on.  Being in a constant state of watching my weight…watching it rise and not in a good way.  It was the root of many struggles for me growing up.  I can’t even imagine how kids make it now a days with the instantaneous and long-term effects of social media out there.  Bullying was hard enough when it wasn’t blasted out on social media.  But my real struggle was internal.  So much that it got to a point where I considered…well, lets just say that I wouldn’t be here writing this today if I had chosen one of the options I had considered for myself.  Today, I’m choosing to officially and permanently let that part go and not carry that baggage with my into my future–doubt and fear are rooted there.  I have no need or room for that moving forward.  Instead of dragging it around, my choice is to learn from it and move forward.  What did I learn?  Well, that I was put here for a reason and that reason extends well beyond myself.  So taking my life at a young age would have been selfish and irresponsible of me.  I didn’t think it through much; it was hard to see anything past my pain.  It used to make me sad to think of that time of my life but now I’m grateful for it.  It was one of the first real breakthroughs in my life. In addition to, it was the first time (that I could remember) that I allowed my Dad into that deep space in my mind and heart, that I always only let my Mom into.  My Dad is and was a great dad, but he travelled a lot when I was young so I often went to my Mom for comfort.  I remember her coming in to my room on a number of occasions when I was going through this dark point of my life and thinking back, I can see the hurt in her eyes.  She tried to help and fix me but couldn’t, and that was hard.  My Mom was great at that.  I often naturally want to turn to her for that even still today and I can’t….at least not in the way that I used to.

I say all that to say this.  Not having her here to “save me” is what led me to making my first real decision on my own.  That was a power that I’d never felt and will never forget.  It’s also a reminder that I am able.  It make take some time and effort on my part, but I can do it.  This “perfectly real” me that I talk about is a bit of self acceptance and a dose of realistic thinking/goal setting.  I still shoot for the stars but instead of focusing on the stars, I look at my first step to get to there.  Knowing I can is a major aspect in this.  If I don’t think I can, than I eventually won’t.  In addition to, I’ve learned, it’s not about if someone else got there (or gets there) before I do, it’s about when and how I get there.   Being me, the real me, not who I think people want me to be is key.  My body is able…it’s not a body builder’s body, it’s not an elite runner’s body, it’s not a couch potato, it’s not a professional athlete’s, it’s not a model’s…it’s mine.  I’ve worked long and hard for it too.  No six-pack, some muscle definition (from hours of hard work put in), less fat then muscle now a days, smaller than it’s ever been as an adult, excess skin, but in the end it’s all mine.  Not perfect but definitely perfectly real.  Perfectly capable and able to assist in achieving my hopes, dreams and goals that I have in this life!

Perfectly real is a mind-set at its core.  Being true to one’s self, values, beliefs, and goals.  Being open and honest.  Being confident and humble.  Being grateful and gracious. Appreciating how I got here instead of complaining about all the struggles.  It’s those challenges that have made me stronger and better and more appreciate of life.

Be you…be the perfectly real you that you are meant to be and love it!